Tag: girlfriend

Retroactive Jealousy and Long Distance

phoenixcactus

Retroactive jealousy, if you suffer from it, well I’m sorry. It’s awful. I’ve suffered from it for the past six years, and it is the WORST. In my experience, it doesn’t feel like it will ever go away. But then with long distance there is the added emotional and physical distance that prevents the comforting that you may need from happening.

What it is, is basically having an unhealthy interest in your partner’s past. Whether it be someone they fancied, or someone that they had a ten year relationship with, it is you trying to find out too much about it and obsess over it. It’s technically a subsection of OCD, or Pure O.

Honestly, it just sucks. There is very little that your partner can say to make things better. Often times, at least my experience, they may make it worse because they say things that (although comforting), give you more of an insight into their past relationships. Which is the last thing that you need to hear.

With RJ, information is a weapon that is used by your brain. In my experience, a small fact will rattle round your brain until the emotional pain is almost unbearable. My main bit of advice, if you get anything from this blog post, is that you need to make sure that you put in your boundaries. There are things that you need to know and things you don’t. And if you suspect you suffer from this, and are getting into a relationship, do not let yourself look at any social media. Don’t do it. Otherwise those pictures will be in your mind forever.

I don’t know why I have RJ. I know it could be due to my insecurities and general lack of self confidence. I have wasted so much time on it. But being in an LDR makes it so much worse. Because sometimes all you need is someone to just look at you and tell you what you need to hear. Something to stop you spiralling. The distance gives you more time to look at stuff. There isn’t as much guilt.

I don’t really have any extreme advice. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s horrible and you don’t deserve this. And RJ is not your fault. But you can do some preventative measures.

We’re in this together.

-E x

How to survive a breakup when your partner is 300 miles away: Long Distance Breakups

phoenixcactus

Back in 2017, almost three years ago to the day, I knew things were not going well in my relationship. We were fighting a lot, things were escalating, and in all honesty it was a mess. And I was right. Just over a month later, me and my partner broke up. To be specific, he dumped me. Three years later I realize that this was the best thing he could have done. At the time, I was devastated. It was the week before Valentines day, I’d booked to fly and see him (which he did pay me back for, thankfully), and I was heartbroken.

But, I’m still standing 3 years later.

In some ways, these breakups are easier than regular ones. You don’t have to see them ever again. You’re not as confronted with them on any sort of basis, regular or otherwise. The only negative is social media, but there is less guilt in blocking them out of your life.

Here are my top tips, as someone who went through it and came out of the other end:

  1. Block them. Do it and do it now. Don’t feel guilty, don’t think about it. Just do it. Even if you want them back, you’ve broken up for a reason. You’re reading this for a reason. If you’re not going to block them, at least mute them. Facebook has a handy feature where when you change your relationship status you can take a break from them. Do it. Get them out of your life in a way that you are comfortable with.
  2. Remember, they are people too. Even though you may be so angry, and so upset, and want to do this that and the other to their stuff, don’t. If you have anything of theirs that they will probably want back, bag it up. Get a friend to communicate with the person on how they want it back. They may have some of your stuff, so treat it how you want your things to be treated. Don’t be a twat to them for the sake of being one. Be the bigger person, as you don’t want anyone to have anything negative to say about you.
  3. Write everything down. As in, everything you’re feeling. Get it all out onto a piece of paper. Every feeling, every emotion. Then put it in an envelope. And either keep it, burn it or rip it up. Do not send it to them. But honestly, this is the easiest way to clarify your feelings.
  4. Time heals all. As lame as it sounds, it does. As much as you’re hurting right now, it honestly does get better. Don’t get angry at yourself for how slow the moving on process is going, nor should you get angry at still thinking about them or feeling anything to them. They were a big part of your life, so recognize that.

Honestly, although that month was horrible, and I spent a lot of it crying. It gave me some good things. I reconnected with a lot of people, I made stronger friendships. It will get better. It hurts, and it hurts like a bitch. But in a breakup, the best thing that you can have is distance, so at least you have that.

Good luck,

-E x

The In between: An intro

phoenixcactus

I’ve been in relationships since I was 15. And each time, for whatever reason, I choose to date someone who isn’t in my immediate vicinity. Nor are they a short drive away. They tend to be at least an hour away.

The first, was a guy from my high school. We began dating, and conveniently saw each other in school and occasionally on the weekends. Then, after two years of being together, we went to university. He went to one in Scotland, I went to one in the south of England. From here things got difficult. We tried to see each other every three weeks, but it was expensive and time consuming, with either an hour long plane ride (+ travel time to and from the airport) costing anywhere between £119-300+, or several 8 hour train journeys that weren’t cheap either. This relationship ended in February 2017.

Next, is my current boyfriend. He’s originally from the West Midlands, and I’m from North Wales. It’s about a 150 mile distance, or three hours by train or car. He goes to University 1.5 hours from where I went, and because we were fairly busy we saw each other every two weeks, or sometimes three. Then, because he still has another year left, it’s gone up to about 200 miles.

This weird limbo is what I call a ‘middle-distance relationship’. It doesn’t compare to the 1000s of miles that some couples have to go through, but equally it’s harder than a typical relationship. You cannot see your partner every night, they can’t physically be there for you. And sometime’s it’s hard. But I’m creating this blog because I want to help. I’ve had almost six years of this limbo. Everything from date ideas, my struggles, how to keep the magic alive, I’m going to discuss it.

So thank you, and good luck.
E x